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The Hilarious Madness Of Steven Wright

Every so often, a person comes along that simply is hard to put in a particular category. The comedian Steven Wright is certain one such person. He is utterly original, but one has to wonder where the observations come from.

If you don't know Steven Wright, you can rest assured that you probably have heard some of his sayings repeated by other comedians. The real question is whether he is brilliant, insane or a delightful combination of both. Here, you decide:

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.